I believe it was towards the end of the summer of 1993. I accepted the Lord in my heart in 1987, and was very close to permanently slipping away for good (at least in my little mind.) For the record, I believe in ‘once saved always saved.’ Hebrews 13:5 says “I (Christ) will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.” In my mind at the time, slipping away meant loosing all hope, but truthfully this was not possible for me because I had tasted of the Lord’s goodness, 1 Peter 2:3. I could not get this out of mind. It was stuck there. In 1987, I had been touched by eternity and the Creator. Thank God!
Once again, it is towards the end of the summer of 1993. My temper was uncontrollable. I would cuss at anything and find a reason to be angry about anything. My anger vented out towards others, but mainly I would let it out on myself. Like I have mentioned in previous blogs, my foundation in Christ was not established. My spiritual house was built on sand, Matt. 7:26.
A person came into my life whose father was the devil himself. In ignorance, grief and numb pain, I allowed this person to severely corrupt me. He introduced me to an addictive white powder called cocaine. He used me and anyone else he could deceive.
I remember going to a pool hall and I went to the bathroom and did some lines and came back to drink underage and play pool. I drove home ‘geeking’ and ‘wigged out’ paranoid driving my car just hoping not to get pulled. Yes, I have been very stubborn and stupid. God made my head hard for a reason. For Him. He has been so merciful to me so many times. He knew my heart. Before my birth, He knew I wanted to serve Him.
Well, I am driving my car and I don’t know how else to describe it, but something bigger, dark, and evil glided into the backseat of my car. Every hair on my body stood. Something was different. This was an evil spirit worse than prior to my salvation. It was going to feed on my pain, resentment, anger, and bitterness that Christ already paid the price for. I remember going to work and other places and noticing people looking at me differently. This ‘thing’ was attempting to steal everything I had in me. Thoughts of murder began to cross my mind. I am not trying to frighten the reader. This is my testimony of God’s everlasting mercy and goodness. This is not in me anymore. I am a new creation in Christ. The old has gone, the new has come.
Well, I remember one day, I was thinking about how I used to go to church and I told the Lord for some reason, “I’ll give you 10 minutes.” I later forgot about it. I am the type of person whose word has great value to me and have every intention of backing it up. A week or two go by. Me and the devil’s son are getting out of work. Him and I are at a stop light in afternoon traffic. Cars are all around us. There is no tint on the windows. He chops about half a gram or so into an empty tape cassette. I am driving. We are at the light waiting for it to turn green. He turns to me and says, “Here you go.” I briefly hesitated, then inserted a straw in my nose and snorted all of it in front of all the people at the light. I did not care. And yes, I was still on probation. I was the driver of the vehicle as well.
We make it home. We were roommates. He stole money from me a few times. Man, what an idiot I was. Serves me right. The gospels say, “Either you fall on the rock and be broken into pieces or the rock will fall on you and crush you to a fine powder.” The Rock was falling on me.
I am walking to my apartment and the thought pops in my brain, “Remember, you said 10 minutes.” I thought, “Oh my God, I did say that didn’t I?” Then I said to myself, “Yes, I did say 10 minutes Lord. I am going to at least do this.” So, I am paranoid, my heart pounding, sweating, and panting. I lay down on my bed and verbally say, “Lord, the clock says 6:21p. At 6:31p, I am done talking.” So, I start talking. The moment I started, I am immediately sober. No paranoia, rapid heart beat or panting. I think I talked about where I was in life and what was on my mind. I vaguely remember telling Him I wanted to stop my way of living, but didn’t know how. 6:32p comes around and paranoia, rapid heart beat and panting come right back.
I am reminded of Romans 9:18, “Therefore He has mercy on whom He wills, and whom He wills He hardens.”
In my confusion, I thought I was in control. Reminded of Ephesians 4:17-19, “So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. They are darkened (covered by a shadow) in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance (lack of knowledge) that is in them due to the hardening (like a callus) of their hearts. Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more.” (NIV)
Last one, Romans 8:6, “For to be carnally minded [is] death; but to be spiritually minded [is] life and peace.”
Now, I am growing in true spiritual mindedness by revelation of Him through grace. The desires to inflict self-pain or abuse (there are many other forms of self-abuse) is dissolved. The old has gone, the new has come. I have been “saved” for 20 years now. His purpose is growing in me. I am conscious of this. This purpose changes me more into His pattern.
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